Why does emotional intelligence matter? (Emotional Intelligence part 1)

I grew up with a father that was not into sharing emotions. It wasn't later in life that I learned emotions are not gender-specific but a part of the human experience.

I've been reading up on Emotional Intelligence recently. If you aren't too familiar with what it is, emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It is a crucial skill for building and maintaining positive relationships, and it can be taught through a combination of self-awareness exercises, empathy training, and effective communication techniques.

In an interview with Marc Brackett, the founder and director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and the author of Permission to Feel, Mark talks about why emotional intelligence matters and how we can use that knowledge to help better understand and express ourselves. I split this post into two blogs. You can find part two here. 

Why does emotional intelligence matter?

Emotions are a large part of who you are. They affect whether you pay attention, are distracted, and if you remember or forget. They influence whether you make good or bad decisions, stick with your choices, or change your mind. How you feel also impacts your physical health and your ability to build and maintain relationships. We all need skills to recognize and understand our emotions, label and express them, and regulate them to achieve optimum well-being and success at home, school, and the workplace.

How can I encourage emotional intelligence in the people around me?

•  Model it. Try hard to understand the emotions of others by listening carefully, paying close attention to people’s faces and bodies, and asking them how they feel. Strive to handle your emotions in a way that aligns with your best self and goals.

•  Celebrate it. Emotions are contagious: When we’re feeling good, we can spread those positive feelings by sharing them with others. If you see young people experience pride, gratitude, or inspiration, applaud it and encourage them to talk about it: “I love how you helped your friends resolve their argument. Let’s tell the rest of the family about it at dinner.”

•  Enable it. All emotions matter. Create space for friends and loved ones to feel comfortable exploring and expressing all of their emotions—good and bad: “You seem upset about the game. Talk to me about what’s frustrating you.” Use conflict and challenging situations as opportunities for both you and them to practice and develop emotional skills.

How can I better understand my emotions?

Download the How We Feel app, which provides definitions for 144 emotions and 36 research-based strategies. The app can help you build a more advanced emotional vocabulary and understand how your feelings are linked to things like the people you’re with and your actions. And you can track that over time. If you set reminders throughout the day—you’re at home, you’re at school, you’re at the gym—and you’re plotting your emotions over the course of a month, you can analyze your data to see what color quadrant you’ve been in and in what context with whom. It can be very eye-opening because some people think, “Oh, I’m always in the red.” And that might be because they only think about their feelings when they’re in the red. When they use the tool and plot themselves throughout the day, they realize, “Actually, I do experience wider and more pleasant emotions.”

What do people get wrong about emotions?

People sometimes think of anger and stress, and anxiety as bad. But there are no bad emotions. All emotions are information. Let’s say you have a kid or a significant other, and you’re plotting yourself in the red with those people; you’re angry. That’s an indication that you’ve got to work on your relationships. It’s not a bad thing. You’ll want to ask yourself, what’s going on in your life? Is it that you have no space? Are the people you’re with bringing you into the red? Is it your work? And then start setting goals—say, I want to be 5% less red next week. You’re not going to get rid of your red. Because life is about being in the red and blue. We’re complex people who should feel the full range of emotions.

In part two, Marc shares how to become more emotionally intelligent, where people struggle, and how to teach kids about emotional intelligence. To dive deeper into this topic, here is a link to some great resources at Character Lab.