decisions, distractions, and disappointments
As adults, our lives are a constant barrage of decisions, distractions, and disappointments. Dealing with stress, paying attention, and managing emotions is hard, but we learn ways to cope as we get older.
You and I have decades of experience to pull from when things get tricky. Over the years, we have learned ways to lower stress (some healthy, some harmful), get rid of things that take us away from what we need to focus on, and we know that the sun will rise tomorrow despite things not going the way we hoped they would.
Kids do not have this frame of reference.
I love to watch movies and shows with subtitles on. It started a long ago when someone told me Brad Pitt constantly talks during Oceans 11, but you can barely hear him, so you have to put the subtitles on. She was right, and I have enjoyed subtitles ever since. You would be amazed at how easy it is to get used to them, as our brains read the text faster than the actors can say their lines, and, for me, it enhances the watching experience.
Years ago, while visiting a friend I played football with, I got into an epic pillow fight with his nine-year-old son. When we were both exhausted, and out of breath, we decided to watch a movie. The young boy asked me what my favorite movie was when I was his age. I said it was a toss-up between The Princess Bride and Labyrinth. His eyes lit up when I said Labyrinth, as it was one of his favorite movies, too (I knew I liked that kid!). So we turned it on and settled in for some Saturday afternoon movie watching.
A few minutes into the movie, I turned on the subtitles. No big deal, right?
Wrong.
This kid lost his mind. He started crying almost immediately--and loud, too.
"What's wrong, buddy?" I asked.
"You are ruining the movie."
"What do you mean?"
"The words... I can't see the movie."
"Of course you can. The words only show up on the bottom, and there is the extra room because it is a big television."
He got up and ran out of the room, crying loudly and aggressively.
When his dad walked in, he saw the look on my face and knew immediately I had no idea what had happened.
But I do know what happened. I wasn't dealing with a mini-adult; I was dealing with a child. The thing I thought wasn't a big deal was, in fact, a huge deal to someone with little experience in life. It would be unfair for me to hold him to the standard of behavior expected from an adult. Now, if he was 27 and acted like that, that is a much different situation.
"Coach is ruining the movie," the boy said.
"Son, he is not trying to ruin the movie. He likes to be able to read what the actors are saying."
"But I can't see the movie."
"Do you mean that the words are distracting?"
"Yes, I can't focus, and I don't like it."
I chimed in. "Hey bud, I'm sorry. I'll turn them off. I didn't mean to make you upset. Can we go back to watching the movie?"
He looks at me, looks at his dad, wipes his tears from his eyes, and then nods his head.
His dad gives me a reassuring look with the classic "dad-thumbs-up" and leaves the room. The boy climbs back up on the couch and takes his seat next to me. I turn the subtitles off and struggle to hear the movie for the next 90 minutes, but that is okay since I knew the words by heart, anyways.
What can we learn from this situation?
We should not treat kids like mini-adults. Should we show them respect, talk to them in complete sentences and honor their experience? Absolutely. But there is no need to be condescending or dismissive about what they are going through because it is annoying or inconvenient. As adults, it is our jobs to let them in on different ways to cope when things go wrong.
Managing Stress.
When I changed his watching experience, it was stressful, and he didn't know how to handle that stress except to cry and leave the situation. As a grown man, there are times I want to do the same thing! But I know that I can adjust and move ahead without letting the stress get the best of me when change happens. I can go for a run, lift something heavy, or call a friend to talk it out.
When a child is stressed, the best thing we can do for them is to ask them if they are stressed and want to do something about it. They often mirror our response, so we have to stay calm and reassuring, then point in the direction of something that makes them smile. We teach them to notice the stress when we do that, and now they have a name for that feeling.
Paying Attention.
After a child can name the feeling, they have the experience to relate it the next time it happens, and this is how we learn to pay attention to what is going on in our heads. Remember, how we react to things is precisely how they will react to those things. If we lose our minds in traffic or when something doesn't go our way, they pick up on that and eventually model that behavior.
Managing emotions.
Now, as cool-headed adults, we can ask them if they want to make a new choice. Once the emotion has subsided, we can have a conversation about it. When emotions are high, there is no time for logic! Taking a few breaths and allowing for the tears to dry up can be an eventual positive learning experience.
The strategy I teach kids goes like this:
Notice the emotion. Name the emotion. New choice?
I use this strategy with kids in the classroom and during sports. It is a great way to start a conversation about how emotions can cloud our decision-making process and lead to uncomfortable consequences.
Give it a try next time you are with a child, and they get upset about something!
