How to Talk to Your Child After the Game

As a coach, I have the advantage of working with the same age group year after year. I get to learn the quirks, the challenges, and how kids at that age behave and grow. For parents, it’s a very different story. Most are navigating this stage of life for the first time. Even if you’ve got multiple kids, each is different, bringing new challenges. The pressure to “get it right” is immense.

Here’s what I’ve learned: kids haven’t changed much over the years. Their sense of humor, desire to play, and need for connection are as strong as ever. What has changed is the pressure parents feel. There’s more information, more comparison, and more pressure to give kids every opportunity to succeed. That stress often turns into over-coaching from the sidelines, frustration, and performance-based conversations that unintentionally harm the athlete’s experience.

What Are You Asking Your Child After a Game?

Imagine your child walking off the field, head held high, excited for the post-game snack and ready to hang out with friends. Then, the first thing they hear from you is:

“Did you win?”

It seems like an innocent question, but to a child, it can sound like the only thing that matters is the outcome. Over time, this reinforces the idea that love and approval come from winning or performing well.

Instead, try these open-ended questions:

• “How did you play?”

• “What was your favorite part of the game?”

• “How do you feel about your performance?”

These kinds of questions shift the focus from the result to the experience and effort. It shows your child that what matters most isn’t whether they won or lost but how they felt, how hard they worked, and what they learned.

The Dreaded Car Ride Home

I’ve coached youth sports since high school. Now, in my mid-forties, if there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s the child’s dread of the car ride home after a game.

For many kids, the game itself is only part of the fun. What they look forward to most is hanging out with their friends afterward. Whether the team wins or loses, their attention quickly shifts to:

• “Where’s the post-game snack?”

• “Are we going to pizza?”

It always makes me smile when parents get upset that their child isn’t devastated by a loss. Some parents seem to take the loss harder than the kids, expecting them to match their emotional reaction. But here’s the thing: for most 5th and 6th graders, losing is a temporary sting—easily forgotten when pizza and friends are on the horizon.

As kids get older, that begins to change. In middle school and high school, losses sting more. Competition gets tougher, and the stakes feel higher. But one thing remains constant:

The car ride home can either be a place of peace or a battlefield.

Tips for the Car Ride Home

1. Stay Quiet.

Trust me on this. Give your child space. Emotions are high right after a game, especially after a loss or a poor performance. Don’t force a conversation. Eventually, they’ll open up—if they know you won’t lecture them. Otherwise, you’ll just become another source of frustration.

2. Validate Their Feelings.

If they’re upset, that’s okay. It means they care. Anger, frustration, and disappointment are all natural responses to losing.

Try saying something like:

“I can tell you’re frustrated. I get it. Losing is hard.”

Let them feel what they’re feeling. They won’t break. Kids are much stronger than we give them credit for.

3. Keep It Short.

If the conversation is brief, let it be brief. Don’t try to force a life lesson on them right after a loss. You’ve had years to learn how to deal with disappointment. This is new territory for them.

The Bigger Picture

How you handle these post-game conversations can help shape your child’s confidence and emotional resilience. Your child’s identity shouldn’t be tied to their performance—nor should your love and support.

The next time your athlete has a rough game, take a deep breath and remember: The most valuable thing you can offer them is your presence, not your analysis. Trust that they’ll figure it out with time. When they’re ready, they’ll come to you.

And when that moment comes, that’s when the real magic happens.