The Gift of Struggle
When a caterpillar enters the cocoon, the process of becoming a butterfly is a complete transformation from one thing to another, and any interruption in the process will lead to complete failure.
A man once tried to help a struggling butterfly out of its chrysalis by slitting it open. A beautiful butterfly emerged, but its wings were tiny and not yet fully formed. Since the process was prematurely interrupted, the butterfly could never fly. Trying to shortcut the process and help, the man instead doomed the creature. The struggle is necessary for the butterfly, as it is for us.
Accept that the struggle is necessary.
It is hard watching someone you care about struggle. It could be your spouse, child, coworker, or friend. There are times when helping is necessary and other times when helping hinders a person's growth. Knowing the difference is an art form and requires years of sometimes making the wrong choice.
Of course, we want to help. But we must make sure our help does not make things worse. Over the years, I have found that refraining from giving unsolicited advice creates more space for others to take responsibility for their choices. Maybe I have a solution, but offering it prematurely and without being asked typically leads to a negative response. So, I bite my tongue and look for ways to empathize in place of offering advice.
Also, it is essential not to attempt to take over the problem and solve it yourself. This is akin to cutting open the cocoon to "help" the butterfly. Remaining in a state of struggle could be precisely what the person needs to build the skill and bust out of whatever cocoon they are currently in. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is sit back and let the process unfold. We can watch and be there should any help be required, yet not intervene when there is no real need.
The wisest people I know practice this form of restraint. When I'm going through a personal challenge and share it with someone I respect, they make it clear that they are there but that I need to deal with it myself. In my younger years, this response would infuriate me! All I wanted was someone else to step in and make everything alright. Now, I look back at some of those situations and see that they allowed me to grow my wings.
Staying in the background of someone else's struggle.
Are you like the man in the story, getting too involved in someone else's problems? Perhaps you need to step back and let struggle happen. A good question to ask yourself would be: are you trying to make yourself feel better, or will your offer truly help the other person grow without hindering future growth? Or, did you "earn" the lesson through struggle? That struggle may be the thing needed for the lesson to stick!
A good rule of thumb is to help only when asked. The struggle may be the very gift needed to level up in their life. You have been there; you know what is on the other side of the struggle. Let them earn this one.
